Joy is not one more thing to do. It’s the thing to do before anything else.
“T
idying is a dialogue with one’s
self.” -Marie Kondo
“Ask yourself if this sparks joy.” It’s one of the six basic rules in the KonMari Method™. “Spark joy” became a catch phrase this year when Marie Kondo hit the Netflix scene in January, right in time for the new year’s resolutions. Here we are now in the swing of the holiday season, where the word joy gets its moment.
The “yourself” part of this basic rule gets lost. Ask yourself. Not ask your partner/spouse, ask your relatives, your kids, your friends. It’s you asking yourself what sparks joy for you. You cannot put someone else in charge of your joy, and you cannot put yourself in charge of someone else’s joy.
Here’s roughly (caution- real talk ahead) where it goes next sometimes when people consider this basic rule of tidying (and how they can get around it).
No time for joy. Joy sounds nice and all, but I don’t really have time for it, you may say. Can you come and organize all of our crap so that my spouse/relative will quit shaming me about what our home looks like? Having walked a few thousand miles in those shoes before I fully implemented the method myself, I feel empathy when I hear versions of this.
Disconnection from joy. On the verge of tears, one person I spoke with said, “I have no idea what brings me joy.” The self reflection required to get back to joy can feel unbearable (and time consuming). I wanted to give her a hug through the computer. And a cup of tea. And a box of tissues. It’s possible to reconnect, perhaps even more critical, when you feel entirely disconnected.
No energy for joy. Joy can sound like a luxury when you’re in the trenches of work, care giving, all the things. Some day you’ll come back to it right? I watched my mom skip over her own joy to prioritize the joy of others. Absolutely that’s a part of parenting sometimes, and at the same time, it taught me as a daughter that my own desires and joy should be put aside to make others happy. How’d that work out for me for the first 39 or so years of my life? Let’s just say KonMari helped. (And side note- I feel bad saying this, and at the same time, I’m pretty sure my mom would agree. And I’m absolutely sure there were other factors as well and that ultimately it’s on me.)
Joy doesn’t matter. So maybe you’re thinking, “I just want a clean house. I just want to have people over again. Why do I need to discover joy to do that? Here’s a roll of trash bags. I’m getting rid of it all. My family will just wreck and ruin everything again anyway. I give up. I’m hanging on for the ride, and on the ride, I’m bringing all my simmering resentments with me. Joy can hang out nervously in the back seat.” And that’s one way to go. And then you may find yourself grabbing the trash bags again in a few weeks/months/years when the cycle starts over.
Here’s why joy matters.
Your life sort of depends on it. In her book “Joyful” Ingrid Fetell Lee writes, “The drive towards joy is synonymous with the drive towards life.” What else are we doing here with our limited time? Joy (and tidying up) gives you back the things that may feel like they are in short supply- time, energy, connection.
Getting clear on joy is a key part of getting tidy once and for all. Why? It gives you information about what you want to surround yourself with, which will help you set boundaries around what comes into your home and stays. Sure, you can have someone else organize for you. It’ll look great for some amount of time. You can’t skip joy and find a permanent solution though.
Joy can save you money. Yes, you read that correctly. When you know what you really love (and need, because you can actually find it), you are less likely to spend on items you don’t really love (or need). You know that storage will not solve the clutter problem entirely. Joy is not found at that big store that we organizers love nor is it found in a pile of Amazon Prime boxes. (Side note- by all means, go to that big store when you’re ready if it brings you joy. Do it AFTER you’ve tidied and know what you really need for storage and what you love.)
Joy is already within and around you. You have things in your home that spark joy. What a (free) gift to curate them and display them with the honor that you feel for them. “Things that are cherished shine.” Marie Kondo writes towards the end of “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” Things AND people shine when cherished. This is life changing magic.
Finding joy is not one more thing that you’re supposed to be doing that you’re not doing, that everyone else is doing better according to social media. No one has all the things figured out. Find small joys in the meantime if a full-on KonMari tidying festival is not possible right now. Listen to your favorite song. Play a board game. Bring home flowers. Call/text an old friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to. Do what feels joyful to you right now and see where it leads next.