Thank You for Thinking of Us
“Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun and flexible.”
A friend called me to run a scenario. Her neighbor texted her asking her what sizes her daughters were wearing now, which my friend knew as a prelude to a garbage bag of clothes delivered to her doorstep. And she already knew what she wanted to do; she just needed an assist. I suggested, start the text with “thank you for thinking of us” before adding something like “we are decluttering right now.” Who can be mad about “thank you for thinking of us?”
Probably most of us have been on both sides of this scenario. What to do?
Giving items to others
No guilt or pressure allowed. In her book “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” Marie Kondo describes how she guilted her younger sister into receiving clothes that she was discarding. Later on, she saw the same things happening with her clients, particularly clients who were younger siblings. Her advice? “If you want to give something away, don’t push people to take it unconditionally or pressure them by making them feel guilty.”
Be prepared for a no. Keep it moving. Appreciate that the person just gave you some information about their boundaries. If you care about a relationship with them, that’s good stuff to know.
How would you feel on the receiving end of this item? Is it in good shape, has all its parts etc.? If not, it might still be ok to give with full disclosure. Or it might be best to figure out another way to let it go. The same friend mentioned above found it overwhelming to receive large bags of clothes. Maybe some of them, though not all, would be in good condition. Are you passing on a chore to someone else?
Receiving end
Assume positive intent. Someone thought you might want or need something. Take it at face value. They thought of you. Nice!
Be prepared to set boundaries and possibly disappoint someone. This is the way to a home and life that YOU love. Setting boundaries might represent a change from the ever accommodating, flexible and easy person to someone who can say no firmly and gracefully. Sometimes you might make mistakes and accept something you didn’t really want. (I work at this and still don’t always get it right.) Check in with yourself on how this fits into your home and life before accepting. If you say, well maybe I could store it somewhere in case I need it…pause right there. Sounds like a nope.
Always keep gratitude at the center of the interaction. Again, how can you go wrong with “thank you for thinking of me?” It’s an opportunity for connection since they reached out. What’s going on with them? If they are decluttering, maybe there’s a transition going on in their life. This is the important stuff anyway, the relationships, not the actual stuff.
OK, so maybe you’re thinking, “yeah, but you haven’t met my (insert challenging person). This will not work with them.” It may not work for them. It may work pretty well for you though when you are free from unwanted items. And free from any resentment if you had said yes to unwanted items. You already know what you want to do. Give yourself permission to do it. Or call or text me. I’ll help :)